The Middle 04.
Keeping Up Appearances
My job affords me a unique experience, in that I get to see people’s insides (as much as they allow) in addition to their outsides, their “I’ve got it together” selves. I get to hear the stories that are often hidden, the ones that we don’t love to tell about ourselves. These are the stories of insecurity, of comparison, and of shame.
And every time I hear a story leave the lips of the person in front of me, it astounds me how similar we all are. As the words weave their way through my office, dancing through the air, I sometimes wish I could pair them with the words of the client who was there the hour before. I wish I could connect them to the words my friends have spoken. I wish I could set them beside the words I, myself, have uttered. I wish I could create a flow chart of shared experience, or one big circular Venn diagram that says “look! We all feel this way.”
I have individual conversations everyday with people who feel alone in their experience, and I wish I could show us all how not alone we are.
Because the reality is we are really, really, really not alone.
It’s almost like we are hardwired to look at what others have and see where we fall short. It’s this feedback loop between insecurity and comparison, and as we loop back and forth we pick up the painful ache of shame.
Thoughts like “I’m not good enough”, or “If only I was more [insert whatever trait here]”, or “there’s something wrong with me” permeate our being, and create an agonizing pit in our stomach. They grow and fester, and begin to act as evidence for false beliefs.
False beliefs like you’ll always be this way. That you’re worth less than others. That God doesn’t actually care for you. That you may as well hide away, and keep this pain point tucked away lest anyone see how unworthy you truly are.
Because that’s what shame does, it keeps us isolated under a pretence of safety. If you can’t be seen, you can’t be hurt.
But you can’t be fully loved either.
I visited a friend in the Okanagan recently, and we were talking about comparison. She said it was interesting to see how the status items changed when she moved there. Gone were the Teslas, and here were the boats and outdoor sports toys that proved you had truly made it. The things that didn’t matter in the lower mainland took on new meaning.
Keeping up appearances means keeping up with moving goalposts, and it’s an exhausting and impossible task. What matters changes as our context changes, and once we achieve the quality we desire we realize there’s something new to long for, and some way the thing we’ve desired has fallen short.
You bought a house? Great! Sally just paid off their mortgage. The goalpost of your self-worth has moved, and all the while you are unaware that Sally is struggling with infertility and deals with a monthly wave of grief at each failed conception.
If there’s anything counselling, from being both a client and a therapist, has taught me, it’s that we all carry places of envy and low self-worth, no matter our circumstances. We will always feel like we’re in the middle on some level, stuck between who we are and who we want to be. But if we spend all of our time looking at what we are not, we will miss who we are, and it is from who we are that we live and love and make a difference in this world.
The world needs who you are - insecurities and all. The devil will do what he can to prove that you are alone in this experience of feeling less-than, awkward, and unworthy. In reality, this is part of the human experience of living in a broken world, a world that needs you to show up in your fullness, quirks and all. I have yet to meet someone who I thought would be more worthy of love if only their bank account were fuller, their body slimmer, their wit faster, their debt lower.
I would bet everything I have that I never will.
A Benediction:
May you experience the less-than places of your soul
As places where the fullness of God dwells
Journal Prompts:
Where do I experience envy and insecurity most often? What does this tell me about core negative beliefs I may hold about myself?
How might I show up as my full self, insecurity and all, in my daily life?
If I were to look at myself from the outside, what would I see? Is what I see congruent with my inside-self perspective?
Practices to try:
STRENGTHSEEKING - Make a list of some of your strengths. If you need some help, try taking the VIA personality test. It’s free!
GET REAL - If there is someone in your world you feel safe with, try initiating a conversation about insecurity and comparison. Ask where they find themselves feeling most insecure, and share your experience, too.1
TRUTH TELLING - Make a list of the lies you believe about yourself, and then create a contrary list that tells the truth instead.2 Read it daily, and/or when you feel the shame monster creep on in.
Now for some fun stuff!
Here are things that have made me smile this month, because we can’t talk about serious stuff all the time:
These baked black bean taquitos have been my favourite go-to weeknight meal lately. Fast, easy, and tasty! You’re welcome.
I love the concept of personal style, and Alyssa Beltempo is one of my new favourite YouTube subscribes. If you’re looking to figure out how to curate your closet to reflect your personal style, and to get rid of that feeling of having nothing to wear, I recommend both her and Bethany of Dearly Bethany!
I’ve been slowly curating an upbeat-yet-chill playlist that is giving me all the serotonin for summer. You can find it here.
Speaking of music, Bahamas has a song called “Up With The Jones” that is in line with the theme of today’s newsletter.
Stranger Things on Netflix, guys. The acting! The cinematography! The story! It’s all so good.
I am a sucker for when creative users of the internet put a song over someone dancing and the timing works perfectly. This video of Dave Matthews dancing to the Veggietales theme song makes me laugh every time.
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You might even consider sharing with a specific friend how you notice your insecurities come up in comparison to them. I’ve had some powerful conversations with friends where we shared the ways we compare with one another, and these conversations have been very eye-opening and encouraging.
This is particularly powerful when the truths are biblically based and include scripture. You can feel as worthless as you want, but when God says you were worth creating it’s pretty hard to disbelieve!
“Keeping up appearances means keeping up with moving goalposts, and it’s an exhausting and impossible task.”
This line hit me like a truck. Moving the goalposts is exhausting, and feels never-ending. In order to make sure my life looks as together as those in my life, I have to keep pushing forward the goal and never reach them.
Honestly, this whole read really resonated with me in a way that almost hurt my heart, but you are right that it’s important to be vulnerable with friends, and share the insecurities. Good friends will always be listening.
Yes and amen. So beautiful!